Life is one long mindfuck...

...and it is how one deals with life's mindfucks that make us who we are. This past month has been extremely difficult for me in so many ways. A lot of the joys in my life have reached a point where they might come to an end. The only thing in my life that I know is going nowhere is my daughter - and for that blessing I am eternally grateful. The old saying "When it rains it pours" is something that is quite perfectly describes my life as of late. Losing my job, my daughter being ill, being robbed of money, having my heart and emotions toyed with, the possibility of soon having to find a place to live with little to no savings to speak of and no income coming in because of the loss of my job. My life just a month ago seemed perfect in so many ways. Happiness filled my days and nights, every single day and night. Lately, not so much. My mind has been consumed with what ifs, and hows and whys. I know that when life changes it just opens up new doors I/you/anyone never realized were there. But at this particular moment, at the time when I am actually going through everything... the end seems light years away. I am hopeful that everything will turn out fine, and I'm sure it will... just right now I'm not my silly self. I more often than not deal with things on my own. Sure, there are times when another person is good to 'lean' on, but in severe moments of troubles for whatever reason I seem to keep to myself and try to figure things out on my own without input from others as I feel it may sway how I actually feel, or what I should actually do. I have taken so many paths in life that I feel were the wrong ones. There are few out there who have had their life turn out the way they thought it would, and I am certainly one of those people. I just crave so much to live a simple life, a loving life, a life in which I am able to enjoy the world around me while I am still healthy and able. My mind has been such a jumble lately that I'm sure even most of these words I am typing now don't make much sense. This blog started off as something silly and fun, but there are sad moments even for the most silly. I feel every emotion so deeply, devote so much of myself to others and their happiness that sometimes in doing that I forgo my own happiness. Oh, at this point at times I just feel down right hopeless. It has been a very long time since I have felt this low. This lowness coming from a place where I have just seemingly 'lost control' of everything that was going so well. I keep thinking and thinking and trying to rationalize in some way all of the things that have happened in this past 30 days. Trying somehow to make things right but without actually doing anything, just thinking. When I get to a place like this I go back to thoughts of the past hurts I have had in my life and how I dealt with those. The time when all of my possessions were lost in a fire, all the car accidents I have been in, the time I was raped by two men, the time I went through when my mother was sick, the day I got the call that she had died, the day I saw my brother right after he had shot himself, the years of beatings and emotional abuse I went through at the hands/mouth of another man. Being at a place like this in my life right now brings all those emotions and feelings and moments rushing back like they are happening all over again. Bringing back all those feelings and compounding them with what I am going through right now is beyond tough. I know that there are others out there with problems far worse then mine, but for right now... this is my pain, this is my anguish, and I somehow, and someway quick need to find a way to work through all of this and get back to my silly self. If not for me, then for my daughter. It is my time to be truly happy, I just wish I had the answer on the how. Right now I am trying to find my happiness. This isn't an easy time in my life, but I hope that this time, whatever path I choose... I choose correctly. My sense of direction has always sucked... I'm hoping, beyond hope that if just this one time I go the 'right' way. To a place where I can find happiness not only for myself, but for my daughter.

Leave your comfort zone...

We all have turning points in our lives. Some of these are prompted by events, people, a simple conversation even. We all change and grow as the days pass. Accepting change and realizing new things in the only way to fully appreciate and live this life that we are given. 

Even when you think that you know who you are as a person, your likes and dislikes, sometimes something arises to make you realize that there is more to this big big world, that there is more to you as a person... unknowingly going through the days when there is more out there to make you happier, make you more satisfied. 

There are all kinds of changes and right now I am talking about change for the better. I fully believe that everything in this life happens for a reason and shapes who we are as people. I believe that change happens when we are ready for it... even if we don't know we are ready. 

Six months ago I would have told everyone that I was happy with who I was as a person, and I was happy. But... over these past six months I have learned so much about myself. Learned things that have made me feel more fulfilled than I ever have.  I do not say that lightly, I truly feel more fulfilled and more aware of who "I am", then I ever have. Self discovery at times can be a scary thing... but with all things, if you embrace change, if you embrace new things... you might just find that you like the change. 

Some people are stuck in their ways and refuse to change any aspect of their lives. Hey, that is their prerogative, but if you are one of those people and you happen to be reading this... give change a chance. Let yourself be completely free and open to the things around you. Read more, make new and different friends out of your comfort zone... just live life and see where it brings you. After all... we each only get one go around - might as well make it as wonderful and brilliantly blissful as possible.

I have opened myself to this world more so in the past six months than I ever have. Opening up like this was not something that happened intentionally, it happened with the love and support of a friend. A friend who has brought me on a journey of self discovery, and without even trying. For the first time I found someone that wholly and completely accepts me for all that I am. Every quirk, every emotion, every thought... though they may not always agree, they accept me. That friendship right there is a gift that does not come along often and I am lucky enough to realize that and hold on to that gift. Their support and friendship has made me able to open up more and more with each passing day, their support has let me "finally" just be me.

So open yourself up to life. To new things. To new people. To change. You might just discover amazing things about yourself that you never knew were even there.

xoxo ~Silly