Sunday, April 26, 2009

Been a while...

Events of the past month have turned my brain into a black hole of fears, loves, hates, passions, thoughts racing through of every kind. Good and bad. Confusing and simple. Wait... that right there is my problem... my inability to simplify things. At times in my life I seem to take a single event or action and run it over in my mind. Thinking of the actual outcome and all the zillions of possible outcomes. My mind can over analyze anything... anything at all. The way my mind works is sometimes a wonderful thing, at other times I wish I could just shut it off completely (I've tried, nothing works? Advice?)

Anyway... here I am at the end of the month with simply no answers to any of the life changing decisions that I must make - I'm only left with more questions. These are decisions that will effect my life, my daughters life. I feel like I'm in the most tense game of chess and there is a roomful of silent people just staring at me waiting to make my move. 

I ponder whether I should go into specifics of what is going on in my life. Not sure if the world needs to know that much about my personal affairs at this time. I don't know, maybe I will share some of it at some point but only time will tell. All I know is that I need to make some very important decisions and though I don't want to rush the choice I make; I need to make these decision soon and final.

That is all for now, just a quick brain blurb.

xoxo ~Silly

Saturday, April 11, 2009

It's all good...

Just a quick note as I feel a little weird leaving my blog how I did. Though the 'mindfuck' is still in progress things are looking up... or I'm feeling a tad better anyhow. When so much 'shit' gets dumped on you all at once some times it is just too much. I know that all will work out well and that I should be appreciating life itself and not worrying so much about all the little crap that comes with it. I'm thankful for all I have. This weekend should be a fun one, going to see my dad on Easter with my little one. I haven't seen him in a while so it will be nice to 'catch up'. 

Thank you for all the well wishes and I hope to all that are reading this have a wonderful Easter Weekend.

~xoxo Silly

Monday, April 6, 2009

Life is one long mindfuck...

...and it is how one deals with life's mindfucks that make us who we are. This past month has been extremely difficult for me in so many ways. A lot of the joys in my life have reached a point where they might come to an end. The only thing in my life that I know is going nowhere is my daughter - and for that blessing I am eternally grateful. The old saying "When it rains it pours" is something that is quite perfectly describes my life as of late. Losing my job, my daughter being ill, being robbed of money, having my heart and emotions toyed with, the possibility of soon having to find a place to live with little to no savings to speak of and no income coming in because of the loss of my job. My life just a month ago seemed perfect in so many ways. Happiness filled my days and nights, every single day and night. Lately, not so much. My mind has been consumed with what ifs, and hows and whys. I know that when life changes it just opens up new doors I/you/anyone never realized were there. But at this particular moment, at the time when I am actually going through everything... the end seems light years away. I am hopeful that everything will turn out fine, and I'm sure it will... just right now I'm not my silly self. I more often than not deal with things on my own. Sure, there are times when another person is good to 'lean' on, but in severe moments of troubles for whatever reason I seem to keep to myself and try to figure things out on my own without input from others as I feel it may sway how I actually feel, or what I should actually do. I have taken so many paths in life that I feel were the wrong ones. There are few out there who have had their life turn out the way they thought it would, and I am certainly one of those people. I just crave so much to live a simple life, a loving life, a life in which I am able to enjoy the world around me while I am still healthy and able. My mind has been such a jumble lately that I'm sure even most of these words I am typing now don't make much sense. This blog started off as something silly and fun, but there are sad moments even for the most silly. I feel every emotion so deeply, devote so much of myself to others and their happiness that sometimes in doing that I forgo my own happiness. Oh, at this point at times I just feel down right hopeless. It has been a very long time since I have felt this low. This lowness coming from a place where I have just seemingly 'lost control' of everything that was going so well. I keep thinking and thinking and trying to rationalize in some way all of the things that have happened in this past 30 days. Trying somehow to make things right but without actually doing anything, just thinking. When I get to a place like this I go back to thoughts of the past hurts I have had in my life and how I dealt with those. The time when all of my possessions were lost in a fire, all the car accidents I have been in, the time I was raped by two men, the time I went through when my mother was sick, the day I got the call that she had died, the day I saw my brother right after he had shot himself, the years of beatings and emotional abuse I went through at the hands/mouth of another man. Being at a place like this in my life right now brings all those emotions and feelings and moments rushing back like they are happening all over again. Bringing back all those feelings and compounding them with what I am going through right now is beyond tough. I know that there are others out there with problems far worse then mine, but for right now... this is my pain, this is my anguish, and I somehow, and someway quick need to find a way to work through all of this and get back to my silly self. If not for me, then for my daughter. It is my time to be truly happy, I just wish I had the answer on the how. Right now I am trying to find my happiness. This isn't an easy time in my life, but I hope that this time, whatever path I choose... I choose correctly. My sense of direction has always sucked... I'm hoping, beyond hope that if just this one time I go the 'right' way. To a place where I can find happiness not only for myself, but for my daughter.

Friday, April 3, 2009

National Cleavage Day

In honor of April 3rd, which is National Cleavage Day... I decided to ask the following question:

What are five words *you* use to describe boobs?

Here are the responses I got... read away!

  • sure. breasts, knockers, cans, rack, tits. Do I get a #noprize? #nationalcleavageday
  • can i do 5 terms? "funbags", "tits", "jugs", "the twins", and "bags of sand"
  • melons, knockers, tits, girlies hmmm breasts? 
  • melons.cans.bewbz.puppies.tittays.jugs.
  • Tits, knockers, fun bags, boobies & ummmm breast I guess
  • Tits, hooters, mammaries, ta-tas, & yazoos. I, personally, am a fan of tits. :D
  • i tried to look into your eyes but i was hypnotized, and now i cant think....
  • hooters, tits, knockers, breasts, boobs...?
  • Here is my 5 - funbags, highbeams, jugs, dirty pillows, a straight man's two best friends
  • Hooters, knockers, zas, puppies, rack.
  • tits, tatas, love melons, sweater meat, front porch, breasts, etc
  • once i start talking about boobs, i can't stop, so i'm gonna leave this for other guys, but u know i have some real juicy words
  • mmm!!! mmm!!! MMM!!! MMM!!! GOOD!!!
  • Just one: Manly!
  • bouncies, girlies, bazungas, muh lovelies and nom nomz