Monday, April 6, 2009

Life is one long mindfuck...


...and it is how one deals with life's mindfucks that make us who we are. This past month has been extremely difficult for me in so many ways. A lot of the joys in my life have reached a point where they might come to an end. The only thing in my life that I know is going nowhere is my daughter - and for that blessing I am eternally grateful. The old saying "When it rains it pours" is something that is quite perfectly describes my life as of late. Losing my job, my daughter being ill, being robbed of money, having my heart and emotions toyed with, the possibility of soon having to find a place to live with little to no savings to speak of and no income coming in because of the loss of my job. My life just a month ago seemed perfect in so many ways. Happiness filled my days and nights, every single day and night. Lately, not so much. My mind has been consumed with what ifs, and hows and whys. I know that when life changes it just opens up new doors I/you/anyone never realized were there. But at this particular moment, at the time when I am actually going through everything... the end seems light years away. I am hopeful that everything will turn out fine, and I'm sure it will... just right now I'm not my silly self. I more often than not deal with things on my own. Sure, there are times when another person is good to 'lean' on, but in severe moments of troubles for whatever reason I seem to keep to myself and try to figure things out on my own without input from others as I feel it may sway how I actually feel, or what I should actually do. I have taken so many paths in life that I feel were the wrong ones. There are few out there who have had their life turn out the way they thought it would, and I am certainly one of those people. I just crave so much to live a simple life, a loving life, a life in which I am able to enjoy the world around me while I am still healthy and able. My mind has been such a jumble lately that I'm sure even most of these words I am typing now don't make much sense. This blog started off as something silly and fun, but there are sad moments even for the most silly. I feel every emotion so deeply, devote so much of myself to others and their happiness that sometimes in doing that I forgo my own happiness. Oh, at this point at times I just feel down right hopeless. It has been a very long time since I have felt this low. This lowness coming from a place where I have just seemingly 'lost control' of everything that was going so well. I keep thinking and thinking and trying to rationalize in some way all of the things that have happened in this past 30 days. Trying somehow to make things right but without actually doing anything, just thinking. When I get to a place like this I go back to thoughts of the past hurts I have had in my life and how I dealt with those. The time when all of my possessions were lost in a fire, all the car accidents I have been in, the time I was raped by two men, the time I went through when my mother was sick, the day I got the call that she had died, the day I saw my brother right after he had shot himself, the years of beatings and emotional abuse I went through at the hands/mouth of another man. Being at a place like this in my life right now brings all those emotions and feelings and moments rushing back like they are happening all over again. Bringing back all those feelings and compounding them with what I am going through right now is beyond tough. I know that there are others out there with problems far worse then mine, but for right now... this is my pain, this is my anguish, and I somehow, and someway quick need to find a way to work through all of this and get back to my silly self. If not for me, then for my daughter. It is my time to be truly happy, I just wish I had the answer on the how. Right now I am trying to find my happiness. This isn't an easy time in my life, but I hope that this time, whatever path I choose... I choose correctly. My sense of direction has always sucked... I'm hoping, beyond hope that if just this one time I go the 'right' way. To a place where I can find happiness not only for myself, but for my daughter.

3 comments:

bridget said...

I am so sorry that you're going through all this right now. I hope that things get better soon. It sounds like you're keeping a good perspective of your life.
Don't worry, you'll get through it, and be stronger for it.

Jay Jay's Blog said...

Wow! You've probably heard this many times before but its got to be said.
Live for the now love, dont let the bad memories from your past dominate at this low point in life. Lots of people are losing their jobs and houses, i'm still worrying about mine. You need to be strong and focus all your hopes on a brighter future for you and your daughter, it may look grim for now but who knows whats around the corner.
I know you cant forget all the hurt and stuff thats happened in your life but that is all coming to the forefront because your life is looking quite shit at the moment.
Please dont be getting yourself down because that is a slippery slope and its not just yourself you have to think about.
@gjohnjules

Mark Shepard said...

Hey silly girl,
thank you so much for sharing so honestly it is a gift to so many who think they are alone.

That said, you are clearly a survivor and someone who has been through a lot. Stuff gets triggered unconsciously and all of a sudden the old stuff comes roaring back up.

You might be interested in an article I'm blogging on with a client who was suffering from PTSD. As I work with her using NLP and hypnosis and Time Line Therapy to clear her old trauma and the triggers that set it off she gave not only permission to share the process but she is writing as well from her perspective.

If it can be helpful to you I hope you'll check it out.

In the meantime, I truly enjoy being your twitter follower and reading your blog. excellent writing!
Mark Shepard, Songwriter & Master Practitioner of NLP, Hypnosis & Time Line Therapy
http://ModernJedi.com

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